Friday, May 17, 2013

Costco Bitch

I was a total bitch the other day at Costco.  The old man probably didn't deserve my wrath (yes - I was a bitch to an old man.  WHAT A BITCH thing to do, I know.) I'll make it a point to smother him with kindness the next time I see him, because I'm ALWAYS at Costco, and I'm really not a mean person at all.

It was my own problem.  The problem was:  motherhood taking its toll on me.

I know you're asking yourself what the hell does Costco have to do with the toll of motherhood other than shopping for milk in bulk?  In my own warped head there's so much more.

It started over a year ago, when I lost my Costco card.

God damn it, I lost my Costco card!  

I needed to go get a new one, and I didn't know I'd have to take a new picture.  I thought they save that in your electronic profile somewhere.  My original pic was taken pre-motherhood, and I never had a problem with it. 

Nowadays here's the thing:  each time I go to Costco now it's after work.  I'm exhausted and not really in the mood to stand in those lines.  And when I know I'm going to Costco after work, I dress in comfy shoes which means I dress in a matching comfy outfit, which means that my hair and makeup probably match.   So when I realized I'd lost my Costco card and got in the line for a new pic.... I was presented with this pixelated monstrosity...

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 God!  I'm so embarrassed.  WTF!  I look like an old Filipino man who forgot to put his dentures on!  No offense to old toothless Filipino men out there.  It's just not the look I go for when I wake up in the mornings.  And to any Filipino girls out there who are reminded of their fathers or grandfathers while looking at this pic:  I'm sure they were very handsome men in their prime.

So anyway, I had to look at this picture on almost a weekly basis on my regular trips to Costco.  Each time that picture taunted me.  'You could've at least done your hair or something'.  But honestly, this is a picture of a haggard mother whose last bit of energy and self worth had been drained by her two Ruffians.  This picture began to symbolize to me what motherhood had done to me.

And then, Costco started trying to sell me a membership upgrade EACH TIME I shopped there.  They'd take my toothless Filipino card, scan it, and yell "REFERRAL!" to the top of their lungs and a sales rep would be there in two seconds to explain how I couldn't lose by upgrading.  I may have said "no" about 15 times until they finally sold me, so now I'm an executive Gold member.  Hur-fuckin'-rrah.

So you know what this meant?  A new upgraded card and a new pic.  But guess what?  You guessed it, the day they convinced me to upgrade I looked like a haggard, old toothless Filipino man.  I kept saying to myself, "next time" I'll come to Costco a little more put together for my photo and I'll get my new card.  But each time I ended up at Costco, I was haggard and not photo ready yet.  So I kept using my old card, and confusing the referral process.  The fact that I was always "haggard" really weighed on my mind.  Maybe this is just me.  There's no hope.  I'm a hag and past my prime.  I should just accept it.  But I was too stubborn to give up on a good pic, knowing I'd have to look at the thing for months or years afterwards.

So the old man at Costco struck a nerve.  We had just bought a new 60" TV, a pretty big Costco buy.  The cashier scanned my old Filipino man card and yelled "REFERRAL!" and the old man was there in two seconds.  He scanned my card and said, "Oh! You're already an Executive member" and then he frowned and seemed bothered and confused.

"Yes, I am," I said.

The cashier interjected, "You should get your new card; it's a good hair day," and he smiled.  But my hair was tied back and so I defensively, but still nicely laughed and said, "No it's not!" while touching my hair in a very introverted way. 

The old man said, "It only takes a couple of minutes.  You should really get a new card." He seemed a little upset that I had wasted his time or something. 

"I will, but not today." I said.

But he kept at it in a pushy, annoyed tone and said, "Just get a new card...  It's really fast.  I'll even take you there."  all while having this concerned, annoyed face.  It's like the world was off it's balance and the only way he could get things back in order was for me to get a new card.  But I interpreted it like he was basically TELLING me what to do, and I really hate that.  Especially when I'm the paying customer.  I started to literally feel heat under my collar.

I took a moment and clearly said, "No.  I will not be taking a picture today! But thank you ANYWAY!" and I turned to my husband and did this part eye roll, part sigh thing to express my annoyed state (so mature of me).  I walked away without looking back at the old man.  I basically dismissed him with those final words.  I know - What a bitch! 

So, I'm sorry old referral man, for giving you a hard time.  You did inspire me to finally get my new card though.  It didn't turn out to be anything glam, but at least I don't think I look like an old, toothless Filipino man anymore!

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I guess the world is back on its balance for now - Shirley (Mama-Ruff)






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