Saturday, May 31, 2014

She Searches for You

The last selfie together
The last selfie together

10 days have passed since you were separated from her,

and she searches for you.

Although she outwardly smiles to passers by and laughs occasionally,

she still searches for you.

She searches for you when she can't finish the scraps of dinner on her plate, in every bedtime routine, and when she hears familiar sounds in the house.  Memories of you appear out of thin air in a mundane world as she puts dishes away, folds a load of laundry, or as simply as when she's walking.

She wants you to know wherever your energy now lies, that she still searches for you.

And she hopes that it makes you smile.

Friday, May 23, 2014

A Decade of Gold


I lost my furry son; my best friend...... to terminal nasal cancer two days ago.  He had given me a decade of happiness which I know is part of the foundation that makes me the person I am today.  He helped draw the smile that you see on my face, like no one else could.  He was a big part of my positive outlook on life.  He influenced me more than most humans I know.  He was in my life before I bought my first house, before I became a wife, and before I became a mom to humans.  Before any of that - I was his mom.  He was there for me through all those good times, and especially for the tough moments.   This pain i feel today is no different than losing a child.... No different.

He completed my family, so although the house today is still filled with shrieks, screams, laughter and the patter of little feet, the house now feels completely empty to me.  He used to have an invisible umbilical cord attached to me that no matter where I went in the house, he'd be right behind me after a few seconds.  He was never too far.  Now, I walk from room to room trying to feel his presence

and I feel nothing.  I'm alone.

But I found him as I made my way to the yard and felt the grass beneath my bare feet.  As I looked up to the trees and the wind blew through the leaves.  As I felt the sun and wind on my face and wondered what scented treasures the wind used to bring to his nose that he enjoyed so much.  I found him there, in nature.  It was nature that brought him to me and nature that took him back.

Now that he is physically gone, my impulse is to retreat back into my introverted shell.  But instead I am forced to trudge along and carry the weight of the world with one less pillar of support.  The pillar that I could always count on.  The one most loyal.  So now I'll need to figure out my footing in the world again, and how the pieces will fit without him.  Right now nothing fits.

But although I'm knee-deep in anguish, all this pain that I've fallen into is nothing because of the decade of love that was built to help break the fall.  It is cliche to say, but there's so much truth that it was all so worth it.  I wouldn't take any of it back to not hurt anymore.  I'll take the hurt, with open arms.  Because I had 10 great years.  10 years of hearing his cute pitched breath, of him accidentally stepping on my foot with his "hell-toes",  of bear hugs, zoomies, licks on my face, fur on my black clothes and anything I'd drop on the floor, drunken-sounding howls-- someone to keep retrieving that damn tennis ball that I couldn't seem to hold on to, or go on hikes with or a dip in the ocean and who pointed out every bench along our walks, someone who had a sexy booty-sway as he walked on leash in front of me, someone who shredded my mail, someone who always stayed by my side, and who delivered orations to me yet never said a word.   This pain can't dissolve a decade of happiness....

I knew forever would be impossible.  I know what I signed up for, and I stuck to it until the bitter end.  He did everything he was supposed to do in this world, and he did it so well.  He was the best damn best friend a girl could ask for.  And so he deserved to not suffer.  I tried my best to reciprocate the unconditional love that was so natural for him--- by letting him go before the suffering could get its filthy grasp on him.  And knowing that he is safe now is the main thing that makes my tail wag at the moment.  And I would venture to say that his furry tail is wagging too, and I possibly just felt the long golden threads from his tail brush against my face as the wind just blew in to bring me its treasures. 

And it felt good. QoriCollage5 QoriCollage1 QoriCollage2 QoriCollage3 QoriCollage4 QoriCollage6 QoriCollage7 QoriCollage8 QoriCollage9