Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Shirley's 2015 Resolutions

Yes, I do resolutions. They really helped me this year. Here's looking ahead. #2015resolutions

Live More Simply

Since Qori died, I knew I had lost not only my best friend but one of my greatest sources of stress relief.  And I don't handle stress well.  So during my mourning, I tried to figure out what I needed to be happy without Qori, and how to minimize the stress.  The one glaring thing that I kept coming back to was embracing simplicity.  Whether this was in my cooking, in my shopping, around the house, at work; I just needed to remove the complexity and live a simple life, to avoid stress 

  • Remove clutter, organize house and desk at work
  • Don't be wasteful in your spending.  Do you really need another OPI nail polish shade?
  • Continue your goal at clean-eating in the kitchen
  • Take time to appreciate nature

Be More Active

My Fitbit really helped me out last year, but there are some things that it was just lacking.  The fitbit focuses on number of steps, but I've got more I need to work on, namely lifting my butt and flattening my belly.  I will continue working with my fitbit, but I know I've got to look for some other apps to help me feel accomplished on my butt and tummy.  Additionally, I'm just not that active naturally.   As a homebody and introvert, I can't just get up and go.  So I'm going to do some fighting against my own natural tendencies, and take myself "out" of my comfort zone, so to speak.

Maintain Happiness

This one is fully-loaded.   I went through a depression with Qori's death.  I know it's not possible to always be happy, which is why "be happy" is not my resolution.  There will be highs, there will be lows, and my resolution is to stay as positive as possible during those lows.

What makes me happy?
  • Animals - I'm very close to getting another dog.
  • Nature - I will need to surround myself in nature more often
  • Photography - Watch out Instagram!
  • Video Editing - I stopped this awhile back, but I'm losing out on preserving my children's childhood moments
  • Journaling - I'm going to need to pick up the pace on this blog again!

Enrich Family Time

This year, Diego will be entering Kindergarten.  I want to make sure he's prepared, so enriching our time spent together is key.  We have a lot of days where we get stuck in the Skylanders or iPad rut.  My plan is to add more arts & crafts, book readings, and mini-chalkboard lessons into our routine.

We'll also be enrolling him in an extra-curricular activity.  Some type of Karate is looking promising at this point.

Hubby too, is included in this resolution.  We'll need more date nights.  We might have only had one or two this year. In 2015, I'd like to try to have 1 every 2 months or so. 6 in one year?! Seems like a steep goal ;)

And finally, time with my extended family is important as well.  Especially, my parents and my sis (and her family).  We'll continue to invite my parents to some of our weekend outings, but we'll also extend invitations to my sis.  That way, the boys will bond more with their cousin Emily, uncle & aunt, and grand parents.

Let's see if I can stick to these!
Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Monday, November 10, 2014

New Family Pets & Basking Buddy

There's no question I'm a dog lover.  And since Qori's passing I knew I was going to get another dog eventually.  However, I wanted to "ease" into it by getting something small.  I flirted with a guinea pig for awhile.

My people eat them, you know?  What would happen if our pet went missing after a family party?!!!  I kid, I kid. We're Americanized.  ;)

Ultimately, I didn't think I could bond with anything other than a dog, and even flirted with a small dog, like a Chihuahua, but I'm not Paris Hilton my Aunt.  If I were going to get a dog, it's go big or go home!  I'm just not a small dog kinda girl anymore, though they sure are cuties.

So I decided that my indecisiveness is a sign that I'm still not ready, so I curbed my dog plans for a short while.  Instead, we decided to ask our kids what pets they wanted.  Imagine that!?  Diego (4 y/o) was very clear; he wanted a turtle.

Mateo (2 y/o) on the other hand was leaning towards a chicken or pet bird.  After a few weeks of getting the same, consistent answer from Diego, we went to Chinatown and came home with 2 turtles: Leonardo and Donatello. 
Introducing our newest family member: Leonardo. Introducing our newest family member: Donatello 🐢

Both boys are very happy with their pet turtles.  Diego is nervous to hold his turtle, which is good because Leonardo is skittish.  Mateo on the other hand is very 'hands-on' with is turtle, to which we fear his turtle's safety sometimes.  It's a good thing his turtle is more active, and not skittish like Diego's turtle.  I guess each turtle was meant for each boy!

So these past weeks, I've watched every youtube video ever made about Red Eared Slider turtles and how to set up their tank; it's become my obsession.  Hubby says I'm taking things too far, but I'm just an animal lover who also happens to be obsessed with interior design (terrarium tanks included).

I realized that the store clerk in Chinatown did not give us all the facts.  So one by one, I've been buying all the necessities for Leo and Don.  I'll probably post pics once I get a few more things.  One thing I recently learned is that turtles require UVB lamps.  Their terrarium should not be placed in direct sunlight due to flucuating temperatures.

So while waiting for the UVB lamp to come in, I decided to share, with the turtle boys, my favorite part of the house this weekend: my deck. For some much needed and natural UVB-love.  I love to bask out there on a hot day, its way better than any spa, in my opinion.

That's when I realized that my spirit animal is probably a turtle, and I may or may not have bonded with Donatello over the weekend.

My new basking buddy and me, having our moment, he's the only one who understands me...

My new deck basking buddy, Donatello.

Mama Turtle Ruff - Shirley

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

October 2014, Month in Pics

Haven't posted a damn thing on this blog, but not because I've been sitting on my a$$!

So many things happened this month.

Our vacation to Punta Cana.... of course I took A LOT of pics.

2014_InstagramOctober8 2014_InstagramOctober7 2014_InstagramOctober6 2014_InstagramOctober5

Pumpkin Patching and Vampire Children....

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Pumpkin Carving and Halloween.  This was the year of the SPIDER!


And oh yes, how could I forget, my other babies; my nails, which finally grew too long for me.  


And Tater spent the month building fat reserves for the winter, building Legos and custom kitchen cabinets, and celebrating the Giants World Series win!  Go Giants!

Good bye October!

-Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Sept 2014, Month in Pics

September is always a special month for me because it's my birthday month!  Now, it's become even more special because it has officially become my family's "crazy birthday" month, where me, my husband, my cousin, and now my little niece's birthdays are all celebrated.  So there was a lot of birthday time this month!

The RIGHT way to do it. You know I gotta celebrate my bday for the entire month! instagrampics_2014Sep_3 instagrampics_2014Sep_2 instagrampics_2014Sep_1

 To prep for their cousin's very first birthday, I put the Ruffians to work.  It paid off with a fabulous, new growth chart!  And speckled, gray wood stain on my deck, but what can you do?!!!!

The boys hard work on their craft project paid off. Cousin Em has a new growth chart for her birthday. It just needs to be hung!#putthemtowork

And apparently I was very hungry this month (even though I should have been stuffed with all those cakes!)

instagrampics_2014Sep_5 And the nutrients from all that cake food helped me grow out my nails, which in my opinion is the best birthday gift ever!


And then there were our day-to-day shenanigans, if you will:


And I guess although I love September so much, some of us feel that October 31st can't come any sooner!

And that was September 2014 in an Instagram nutshell!
Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

35 Years Old and NOT! Pregnant


Today, I'm 35 years old.  Just 5 years ago on this day, I was pregnant with my first child at 30 years old.  Look at my goofy face at 30, not knowing all the sh!t that was in store for me.  How that little bun baking in the oven was about tip my world upside down and then rip it apart.  I had no idea how motherhood would enable me to see through the walls of Hell and send me back shivering with regret while I would revert back deep to my introverted shell where extended friends and family would barely see me for almost three years, while I tried to hide figure out this thing called motherhood.

And even through all the moments of utter chaos where I could barely hold on to my own sanity, where I could barely hang on before I burst into tears due to the jealousy that ensued over everyone else's calm babies --  and all I wanted to do was to Fast Forward 18 years and take a nap, somehow I broke out into full-on madness and decided to get pregnant AGAIN! 2 years later.  At 32, I was pregnant again.  We all do crazy things.  32 yrs --- that was my craziest year.

I'm happy to say that at 35 I am NOT crazy nor pregnant, and planning to keep it that way for the rest of my birthdays.  Every day gets a little easier with the Ruffians.  Hell - we can even go to restaurants now and we seem semi-civilized (although I'm still traumatized and my nerves start up whenever Hubs says, "Let's go out to eat!" ------> shudder & chills.)  Things are still not perfect, and they probably never will be. I'm OK with that... anything is better than the Hell I've seen.

I'm still not at the point where I would say, "I'd do it all again, if I had to." Because although I love my ruffians so much, at this time, I still wouldn't do it all again.  I'm the person who announced, "I will never drink again!" And actually didn't! 

And my mind still occasionally wanders into my deeply introverted and anti-social thoughts where I'm convinced that society somehow tricked me into thinking that having children ---and buying a house--- was a good idea.  I sit here today with two kids and two houses.  It's a lot of stress!  And apparently I handle stress very poorly.

Then again I tell myself of course it's a good idea, Shirley!  You're just suffering with the not-knowing-what-you've-got-until-it's-gone syndrome.  And I can only back this theory up by the pit in my stomach and feeling of overwhelming sadness I feel when Hubs says, "Let's go out to eat!  and leave the boys with your parents!"  Leave my babies?!  Why don't we just order in, instead?

So today I'm 35, and it has been my first birthday in 5 years that I didn't really need or desire a nap.  Look at my face at 35, it's been through Hell and back, but I feel like I'm looking at a refined 35 yr old who almost knows her stuff now vs. the goofy 30 yr old that I was. 

So as I blew out my candles this year, I didn't have any particular wish in mind.

Because I already got what I wanted.  I got out of Hell and that stress level is almost gone, and out of those ashes I now have two little Ruffians that although still drive me crazy, they're beginning to make me laugh more. And to me, life is about laughter......

........ and long, natural nails :)  --  I finally got that this year too!

New ring, new mani! That last black mani was crap. Sticking to water decals vs. stickers from now on.  Going natural before the crazy holiday nail art season starts. #frenchmanicure #realnails

Damn, I've come a long way.
Shirley (mama-ruff)

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

August 2014 Month in Pics

Yet another month has gone by and no posts.  I'm really disappointed in myself.  Missing out on documenting my children's childhood here.  Luckily - it's only here in the blogsphere.  We've actually been quite active LIVING, so I guess that's good, right? Lots of rides this month & my nails.... man- I love my natural nails lately.

-Shirley (Mama-Ruff)
Check us out on Instagram @simplyshirley08

iphonepicscollage_Aug2014 iphonecollage_Aug2014_2 iphonecollage_Aug2014_3

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

July 2014 Month in Pics

It was a really relaxed month of July.  We celebrated the 4th having a Peruvian style Luau called Pachamanca. The boys had a lot of good experiences at pool parties.  I got recognized at work with a nice amount of rewards points that I used to buy a new big-girl camera.  My natural nails' length have really taken off after a month of taking Biotin and Calcium <--- which I'm calling my new "nail crack".  And finally, of course, boys will be boys!

I hope you had a nice July!
-Shirley (Mama Ruff)

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Saturday, July 19, 2014

How U Sees it

I'm really lucky to work for one of the Fortune top ten best companies to for.  I landed my job by fate and saw a good thing when I saw it, so I stuck around.  It's now been over 10 years.

While I don't always use all of the benefits the company offers,  I definitely participate in our Giving Back Week where we perform community service, donate to charities (I donated to the humane society), walk for children, etc., and end the week with a huge, free Benefit Concert with surprise acts.

I took my family to this year's concert without my big girl camera.  I just wanted to have a good time with my family.  So all I have are crappy iPhone pictures:

Luckily, the final act, Usher, posted his own version of what happened on his Instagram account, howuseeit.

How does U see it?  So much better than my iPhone did!  I would love to have his IG photographer's job; if only it wouldn't take me away from my family.

P.S. The other acts were Colbie Calliat and (2nd-timers) Foo Fighters.  And Dave Grohl, the rebel that he is, let the final act out of the bag for all of us by saying, "I told them I'd only come here again, if Usher would be there!"

The awesome power of Dave Grohl.

-Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Ugly Flamingos


A sudden bravery fueled by laziness took over me as I called and called and CALLED a certain Filipino restaurant to place a dinner order for pickup.  No one answered.  They NEVER answer, and each time that I physically reach the restaurant, I find the woman on the phone speaking Tagalog, probably on an extended overseas call that HAS to occur every Thursday: my only "get of jail the kitchen" day.

So I was mad at the restaurant, but Hubs insisted on Tapsilog and I insisted that there was no way I was going to cook.  So I thought, 'You asked for it, Filipino restaurant.  Now I will place my order when I physically get there.................. with my Ruffians.  And I'll stand back and let them unleash their wrath among your restaurant and patrons.  And if you even so much as give me a stink eye, the only thing I'll respond with is:  "Next time, pick up your phone....."

But when I got there, Chatty-Kathy of Manila wasn't there.  Instead a subdued woman was in her place.  It was sort of calm and peaceful.  Did they even have a phone now?  Did they silence the ringer?

So I sat the boys at a table and tried to keep the boys entertained as we waited for the food.

So, how was your day?  What did you do with Abu? I asked.

"Mama-Mam-mam, we went to the store and made Abu crazy and Mateo kicked Abu and Mateo was crying and Abu said [------ deep breath and pause]  No toys for Mateo!"
[distracted] "Mama-mam-mam look at that!" he yelled in his high pitch a few decibels too high for the restaurants atmosphere.  He was pointing at three paintings on the wall.  One with lucky fish, one with horses, and the last one with blue heron birds.

"It's a FISH!" he shreiked!  "And HORSES!!" he marveled.

"And what's that last one?" I asked, expecting him to say it was a bird.

Instead, very matter-of-factly he said, "It's an ugly flamingo."

I cracked up very stunned by his response.  He was so proud that he had made me laugh that he kept saying "Ugly Flamingo" all the way home.

Sure it was funny, but I was also a little saddened at that moment.  A little of his innocence was gone in his ability to discern between beauty and ugliness.  For me beauty is a mature concept. It's a sign that he's growing up now that he's calling things ugly.  And it will be up to me to instill the concept that it's not nice to call people ugly.  I hope it's not a hard concept for me to instill.

But for now, he's got a point.  Compared to flamingos, blue herons are pretty damn ugly!

-Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I Don't Want to Go to the Pool Party :(

I prepped for weeks for the first family pool party that we were invited to.  In my mind it would most likely go very bad with Diego's water-phobia, or - with preparation - it could go OK.

My method was to tell him about the pool party well in advance so that he would be mentally prepared when we got there and not go into anaphylactic shock in front of family members.  I'd say, "Hey, Diego.  Guess what?  We're going to a pool party next week!  What do you think about that?!"

"I want to go the pool party!" he surprisingly responded.

"But you won't be scared, right?  Because you are a big boy and the pool is fun, right?"

"Yes" he said with a smile on his face.

So with this good forecast, I went to the store and bought water guns, arm floaties, and debated buying a big blue shark floater.  I wanted to be prepared should he truly decide that the pool was fun.

Unfortunately the day of the party, he woke up in a foul mood and only wanted one thing:  To go to Toys R Us and buy toys.

" I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE POOL PARTY!" he screamed.  Just my luck, I thought to myself.  Of course today of all days, he doesn't give a sh!t about the pool.

We had obligations, so we went to the pool party despite Dictator Diego's wishes.  There were other kids in the pool when we got there, so Diego was willing to put only his feet in at first.

"Hey Diego," I said.  " I have a surprise for you!"  And I pulled out the big ASS blue shark.

His eyes widened.  "I want to ride it!" he said.  "But you hold me and keep me safe. OK Mama?"

Best $10 investment, EVER!
2014_HerreraPoolParty-13 2014_HerreraPoolParty-23
And I gave him pony shark rides in the pool for about 20 minutes.  He had a blast and decided to graduate to actually going in the pool.  He tried the arm floaties, but he sank down more than I expected.  ARM floaties suck!  They don't make them like they used to.  Fortunately, the floaties disappointment did not deter his new-found adventurous spirit, and he tried his cousin's pink life vest, which was OK, but he took it off after 10 mins.  THEN...... he found his baby-cousin's hot-pink inflatable donut..... 


2014_HerreraPoolParty-502014_HerreraPoolParty-58 And he spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool, he didn't even need me with him as  he went to the deep end in his cousin's donut.  He's come such a long way since these days.


A great family pool day indeed!

-Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Favorite

30-something years ago a woman lost her husband to leukemia.  She was left with two boys roughly the ages of my Diego and Mateo.  Who knew what she fears she felt for her future as a widowed mother.  I don't even know what or how I'd be able to cope.  It would have been great if someone could've told her that she'd be OK.  That she'd stay in the house that her husband bought them and raise 2 gentlemen who would go on to get married and give her the gift of grand-motherhood.

This woman was my aunt, whom I respect so much.  So when she asked me which of my sons was my favorite in such a sneaky way (In Spanish she asked me which one tugs at my heart strings harder) there was no question on who I immediately pointed to, although I wouldn't verbally acknowledge anything.

He just has a heart of gold.  He thinks about others.

When you sneeze, he will say "Bless you, are you sick???"

When he's eating, he'll share and will say, "You want some?  YES??"

When his brother decides that he wants the iPad that he's holding, he simply gives it to him!

He will try to tuck me into bed, and then he will want to snuggle. And snuggles with him are great since he's chunky.

My husband jokes that Mateo will leave the house first when he's older because some girl will steal his heart and he will fall deeply in love. I don't doubt it.

So that's my Tater at 2.5 years, in a nutshell!

And even though I treat my children equally, my aunt had a way of not making me feel bad for admitting that I had a favorite.  I never meant to have a favorite.  It just happened.

Just like my aunt and countless other mothers out there.  She made it sound so justified as she described a shopping scene many years ago with her 2 boys and their $10 allowance.

While the eldest, Jovan, would cry, scream, and demand more money to afford the toy he wanted; Jason - her youngest was more methodical about it.  He'd stand there, thinking out loud, "If I buy these two toys, I can't afford this third toy. But I can buy the third toy by itself, and give up the other 2 toys...." he would think about it and you could see a wrinkle forming in his brain.

My aunt's heart would melt at the sight, so much that she'd just throw more money at him.  LOL.

So it seems that, similarly, my youngest has stolen my heart.  I didn't want my youngest to be my favorite simply because he would be my last, but Tater has perfected the art of cuteness in a way I never expected, a way that I cannot resist.

-Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Monday, July 7, 2014

Where I'm At (An update and Instagram pics)

These past few months, you've been able to find me on Instagram (@simplyshirley08), but not on this blog.  Although we've been having a good time, living life as shown through the pics below, I still didn't post here very often.  All it took was one big loss (Qori), for me to go on somewhat of a hiatus on this blog. I didn't want my written thoughts to wander too deeply into a depression.

I've been meaning to get back to blogging and find inspiration in other things, but so far all I have are half-written posts that never made it out there. 

Where am I at in my head and heart now?  Well - deep down inside I'm starting to feel truly better about Qori's passing, but many times still I miss him dearly.  I think I'm almost at a place in my heart where I can truly start to write genuine posts again without being a Debbie-downer.

So I'm starting with some baby-steps in an Instagram compilation post that I've let stack up for the past three months.  Here's what we've been up to in April, May & June via Instagram pics:

AprMayJun2014InstagramCollage1 AprMayJun2014InstagramCollage2 AprMayJun2014InstagramCollage3 AprMayJun2014InstagramCollage5 AprMayJun2014InstagramCollage6 AprMayJun2014InstagramCollage7

I hope you are all doing better than I have been lately! -Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Saturday, June 7, 2014

The L-Word

I was re-united with my furry son in a cedar box as I picked him up from the vet today.  It was so hard to contain my emotions when I saw the box, and all the ladies at the front office were so sympathetic.  They even unexpectedly provided me with Qori's ink paw print.  I had also received a condolence card from them in the mail.  This vet was so on top of the little things that count. 

It feels so good to have Qori back with me, but the emotion I feel is still so raw.  I walk around feeling a sting in my heart.  It's hard for me to say anything out loud about Qori - which leads me to my Ruffians.

The day that Qori passed, I was just too emotional to talk with the children.  My husband had to pick them up after work, and bring them home to me.  They came home and hardly noticed that Qori was not there.  This was better for me, because I would've just broken down if they asked me anything anyway.  So it was ignorance on both parties that got us through the first night.  The second night, I continued avoiding the topic altogether by pretending that everything was normal, same with the third - until it became a comfortable, complacent trend for me.

The first time Diego even questioned anything about Qori, I was in the middle of cooking for a big party for my father's birthday.  We were expecting company in an hour, and out of the blue Diego asked, "Where's Qori?"  I was stunned and scared all at once, and all I could muster was an 'I don't know.'

And so for 2 weeks I've been dodging reality and not facing tough questions.  But today, not only was I re-united with Qori which was very moving, but Diego also moved me deeply.

We were in his speech therapist's office.  His speech therapist was trying to get him to say L-words, which we've been working on for months.

"Diego, say lunch"

"wrunch" he said.

"Good try."

She looked at another picture in her book.  "Diego, this is a leash.  Do you know what a leash is?" she asked.  "Do you have a dog?"

This set Diego off into a mini-monologue.  "Yesterday, I was with Qori," he said.  Because to him - if it's not today or tomorrow, then it was yesterday whether it was a week ago or a year ago, or actually yesterday.

Then he ran on in a few sentences talking about Qori.  Honestly, I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was nothing moving.  It was just facts, like Qori liked to chase balls or that they liked to chase each other in the backyard.  Then he paused for a minute and said, "I miss Qori."

Those three words were all it took to move me.  At that moment, I thought of Diego and Qori's relationship and a different L-word:  Love.  Before this, Diego had never voiced any emotion or even consciousness at the fact that Qori's been gone.  I thought he probably just didn't care or notice.  I couldn't expect my kids to have the same dog-obsessed gene as me.  I had been going on as if this was just MY loss, because Qori was my dog.  I see now, that Qori also had a deep impact on the kids, no matter how well they are able to understand or express it at their tiny little ages.

On the drive back home, Diego brought Qori up again.  He remembered the bleeding.  He told me that Qori is sleeping at the doctors.  He asked me 'what we were going to do with Qori'.  He asked me again,

"Mama, what are we going to to with QORI!?  What are we going to do!?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said as I froze.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say.

I know I'm going to have to tell him something soon.  I can't hide from reality forever.  But it's just still so hard for me to talk about it.  I just don't know exactly how to say it.  Do I just say the D-word?  It's so hard to say it right now.  I can't do it!

I don't have the words.  I haven't found my voice just yet.

I wish I had my own speech therapist who could teach me the words.

Fort funston
-Shirley (Mama-Ruff)

Saturday, May 31, 2014

She Searches for You

The last selfie together
The last selfie together

10 days have passed since you were separated from her,

and she searches for you.

Although she outwardly smiles to passers by and laughs occasionally,

she still searches for you.

She searches for you when she can't finish the scraps of dinner on her plate, in every bedtime routine, and when she hears familiar sounds in the house.  Memories of you appear out of thin air in a mundane world as she puts dishes away, folds a load of laundry, or as simply as when she's walking.

She wants you to know wherever your energy now lies, that she still searches for you.

And she hopes that it makes you smile.

Friday, May 23, 2014

A Decade of Gold


I lost my furry son; my best friend...... to terminal nasal cancer two days ago.  He had given me a decade of happiness which I know is part of the foundation that makes me the person I am today.  He helped draw the smile that you see on my face, like no one else could.  He was a big part of my positive outlook on life.  He influenced me more than most humans I know.  He was in my life before I bought my first house, before I became a wife, and before I became a mom to humans.  Before any of that - I was his mom.  He was there for me through all those good times, and especially for the tough moments.   This pain i feel today is no different than losing a child.... No different.

He completed my family, so although the house today is still filled with shrieks, screams, laughter and the patter of little feet, the house now feels completely empty to me.  He used to have an invisible umbilical cord attached to me that no matter where I went in the house, he'd be right behind me after a few seconds.  He was never too far.  Now, I walk from room to room trying to feel his presence

and I feel nothing.  I'm alone.

But I found him as I made my way to the yard and felt the grass beneath my bare feet.  As I looked up to the trees and the wind blew through the leaves.  As I felt the sun and wind on my face and wondered what scented treasures the wind used to bring to his nose that he enjoyed so much.  I found him there, in nature.  It was nature that brought him to me and nature that took him back.

Now that he is physically gone, my impulse is to retreat back into my introverted shell.  But instead I am forced to trudge along and carry the weight of the world with one less pillar of support.  The pillar that I could always count on.  The one most loyal.  So now I'll need to figure out my footing in the world again, and how the pieces will fit without him.  Right now nothing fits.

But although I'm knee-deep in anguish, all this pain that I've fallen into is nothing because of the decade of love that was built to help break the fall.  It is cliche to say, but there's so much truth that it was all so worth it.  I wouldn't take any of it back to not hurt anymore.  I'll take the hurt, with open arms.  Because I had 10 great years.  10 years of hearing his cute pitched breath, of him accidentally stepping on my foot with his "hell-toes",  of bear hugs, zoomies, licks on my face, fur on my black clothes and anything I'd drop on the floor, drunken-sounding howls-- someone to keep retrieving that damn tennis ball that I couldn't seem to hold on to, or go on hikes with or a dip in the ocean and who pointed out every bench along our walks, someone who had a sexy booty-sway as he walked on leash in front of me, someone who shredded my mail, someone who always stayed by my side, and who delivered orations to me yet never said a word.   This pain can't dissolve a decade of happiness....

I knew forever would be impossible.  I know what I signed up for, and I stuck to it until the bitter end.  He did everything he was supposed to do in this world, and he did it so well.  He was the best damn best friend a girl could ask for.  And so he deserved to not suffer.  I tried my best to reciprocate the unconditional love that was so natural for him--- by letting him go before the suffering could get its filthy grasp on him.  And knowing that he is safe now is the main thing that makes my tail wag at the moment.  And I would venture to say that his furry tail is wagging too, and I possibly just felt the long golden threads from his tail brush against my face as the wind just blew in to bring me its treasures. 

And it felt good. QoriCollage5 QoriCollage1 QoriCollage2 QoriCollage3 QoriCollage4 QoriCollage6 QoriCollage7 QoriCollage8 QoriCollage9