Stay with Me

In one of my darkest hours, you stayed with me.  Given the chance, I thought you would leave me and run upstairs to Mokee knowing full-well that he was right there:  Your chocolate-labrador idol. 

But you refused to go.  You chose to stay with me.  You never left me.

So how can you leave me now!?  And just about one year after Mokee's diagnosis, you get the exact same diagnosis?!  My neck steamed out of fear and sadness as the vet broke the hard news.  "Quality of Life" are three words I hate to hear from vets.  But that's what it has come to today.

This time you really will leave me,

...and go to Mokee.

We get home and not even the most waterproof of mascaras and liquid eyeliners have a chance.  It's time to buy Kleenex tissues in bulk at Costco.  My eyes swell, and I can't even look at you. 

It hurts too much.

"QORI!!!!!!"  I scream and I run to you and give you one of our many bear-hugs.  "I need you!  You can't leave me!" and I cry like a bitch. But your reaction is joyful as you lick the tears off my face.

And I know that I have to be the strong one.  You shouldn't be the one consoling me.

But how can you leave me?  I really, really need you.

• I need you to keep me sane from the Ruffians.
• I need you to move into every room in the house that I may wander off to.
• I need your drunken-sounding barks at the neighbor's dog
• I need you to bring me a peace offering of a stuffed toy, dirty rolled up diaper, or anything else that you found on the floor at the moment I get home.
• I need to see your fur all over my carpet, and on my black clothes

I need you.  Don't leave me. Stay with me.

And I continue to bear-hug you.  Trying to permanently record all my senses at that moment.  How you smelled, how warm your fur was, how your breath sounded.  Just like I did 7 years ago with Bingo. 

Its a fucked up thing when loved ones are taken away, and yet life fucking goes on.  Why doesn't it stop???  While I sit here in an emotional retardation, not able to move past to the acceptance stage.  7 years, and I still have beautiful dreams that Bingo is alive only to be stabbed in the heart all over again when I awake.  But even with Bingo, you were there.

And soon you won't be.  

I have to be strong, and not cry in front of the Ruffians.  I have to be happy while there is an elephant in the room moving into every room that you wander off to.  I signed up to be your human and protect you from this fucked up world.  And nothing's going to change that.  I'll be damned if I will put you through any pain due to my own emotional greed. I love you and will not let you suffer when I see it.  We've had hard times in this life, but we've always been together (pre- and post- Ruffian kids): You and I. No matter what.

And that's the way it will be until the day comes that I see you off to Mokee, your chocolate labrador idol. 

I love you.... Never forget.

Because you're damn sure I never will.

-Shirley