Only Human....Carbon-Based

It seems that everywhere I turn, I see a calm baby and a happy mommy.  Take Friday for example. I decided to cut out of work early to do some retail therapy at my neighborhood Target.  As I walked down an aisle, I heard someone say, "Oh hi Shirley!"

I turned to see Tina, a colleague from work with her 10-month old son strapped onto her........ Her 10 month old, CALM son.  As we talked I was once again struck with light jealousy that she had such a calm son.  I could NEVER go to Target with my first son at that age.  NEVER.  And just why do you think I was still at Target alone today?

And it's the same story everywhere I go, everywhere I see, even with my own sister and her baby.  It's hard for me sometimes.  The knife pushes in deeper when I see "normal" babies and children.  I wonder, why me?  Why must every day be filled with extreme cries and tantrums?  Why can't we just get through one family activity without starting a shit-storm that lasts for hours?

I know I'm not alone, there are other mothers like me (and they're also going to Target alone).  But most days, I do feel alone.  None of my friends or family open themselves up to be in this situation.  And most people on FaceBook are all "sunshine and lollipops" about their children.  They are so happy, yet here I am struggling and second-guessing this whole motherhood thing.  So I hold back, reserve myself, and find my only solace in reading mommy blogs like Scary Mommy - and that is the only time I feel like I'm not alone.  I see there are other mothers out there who are going through it and think like me.  You may ask yourself, well - what does she think?

I think I just want to laugh and have fun as a mom.  But shit gets way too serious in my family.  It's heart-breaking when all you intend is to have a fun day with your children and time after time, it just doesn't end up that way.  I really want to have a picnic in the park or a day at the beach where we all just smile and laugh and then go home and take a nap.... and everything is just tranquil.  But at this point, it's so far from me that I just want to cry when I think about it.

And in my case, I've been harboring a little resentment at my first son.  He's the one with the tough personality.  I feel like 70% of mine and his personality, just isn't compatible.  And before it tears at the other 30% of our relationship apart, I'm trying to find ways of working it out. Even if it means just accepting that I will NEVER be able to just have fun as a mom.  It saddens me to think that a picnic in the park or just laying out on the beach or a lake, will NEVER be as fun and peaceful as I'd hoped.  For the longest time (2 years) I thought that it had to be me.  I was either 1) a new mom who was doing it all wrong, or 2) my first son truly was out of control - a special case.  And then along came my second son, Mateo, and his different, more calm personality confirmed it was the latter.  No one can tell me, "you're just doing it wrong" now.  Mateo is proof that it's NOT me or my parenting!

This may sound horrible to you, but it's real for me.  I don't write on this blog to be all "sunshine and lollipops".  I write on this blog to offer a true and comical look at my life with my Ruffians.   But unfortunately, my first son is more serious than comical.  It's ironic, but he may just be a true "Ruffian".  To give it to you straight, let me describe my last few weekends and how they went from bad to ugly:

Museum Weekend:  We strolled through a toy store strategically placed in the children's museum before entering the museum.  He wanted a toy.  We said "no".  He proceeded to to scream and shriek for the next hour. He cried and demanded a toy as we walked from exhibit to exhibit, never backing down.  While other families and children played at the exhibit,  my son would have NONE of that!  He could give a rat's ass how fast a machine would clock him while karate-chopping the air.  I looked around.  He was the ONLY child who wasn't having fun, and he was making a spectacle of himself.  Mateo on the other hand was being a good sport until he puked from the stomach flu.  So we went home early.  Wasted day, wasted energy, wasted opportunity.  :(

Lake Tahoe Weekend:  You name it.  He cried for it.  He had a tantrum just about every hour.  THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.  We rented a big house and invited a lot of people to come stay with us, so they witnessed the shit-storm that is Diego.  Mateo?  I can't remember because we were all so busy hearing Diego's cries.  Was Mateo even there?  Oh yes, there he is... in the picture above.

I felt a little redemption during this trip as one of my husband's friends commented that my older son had a "strong personality" in Spanish.  Yes!  It's not just me who thinks that!  And my mom commented after that weekend that "Diego looked like the Dad and my hubs looked like the child".  Why?  I asked.  "Because Diego constantly screamed and demanded at his Dad."

Restaurant weekend: We went to a restaurant by the water to celebrate a few milestones.  Diego lasted maybe an hour, which surprised me.  But then, he started screaming "I WANT TO GO HOME!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!"  While Mateo tried oysters for the first time, Diego's tantrum got to the point where it was almost disrupting other diners.  So, I sacrificed myself and left with the boys to go play on a grassy knoll away from the restaurant, after only eating my appetizer.

 

Wii weekend:  We bought a Wii so that Diego could play a dinosaur game that he's been watching other kids play for the past 4 months on Youtube.  The game was old, so we had to drive an hour away to pick one up.  An hour away!  But he loved the game so much, we thought it was worth it just to see him smile.  We were so excited to see his reaction.  On the way there he was so excited,

until he saw a Toys R Us store on the road....... 

that moment was the inception of the idea that he wanted to go to Toys R Us and buy toys.  We were one block away from the game - one block! when he decided that he didn't care about the game AT ALL.  He was on one-track mind at this point:  Toys R Us! 

He kicked, he screamed, he threw the Wii box in the car, he ORDERED us not to enter the Gamestop to buy the game.  He cried in the In 'N' Out drive thru, he cried on the bridge, he cried all the way home, screaming "Toys R US!!!!!!".  We didn't dare even show him the Wii game.  We stood our ground and didn't let him get his way that day, but man it was a disappointment when all we wanted to do was make him happy with his game :(

A little later we introduced and played the game.  He was so happy and excited..............

for five minutes...........

Then apparently Hubs clicked the "wrong" option on the Wii game according to my son, and the shit storm began all over again.  Hubs and I just looked at each other with the same tired faces of disappointment.

When Diego has his tantrums, I'd be lying if I said I didn't imagine how this moment or day would be without him.  In all the cases above, Mateo was pretty chill.  I've never experienced scenarios with just Mateo my calm son, because Diego has always been in the picture- being the first.  So I can't help but be curious to play the day over in my head and wonder how it would have been if only Mateo was in the scene.  

Pretty damn different.  And almost close to a day in the life of Target Tina or my sister.  

And I know that it's wrong to even think this way.  And trust me, I feel bad.  I don't want to harbor resentment and have these impure & unhealthy thoughts against my oldest son.  I definitely don't want my son out of the picture.  I just wish he was different sometimes. Frankly, I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him wondering what the next thing is that I'll do wrong to set him off.

Sometimes I wonder if the stress of Qori's cancer is making me less "easy-going" than I used to be.  I don't know where this negativity is coming from.  But I know I can't blame anyone other than myself for my deep-seeded thoughts and reactions to my children.  And like I mentioned, I know it's unhealthy to be so negative about my first son.  It can't be good for our relationship.  So I'm trying to change that starting with me.  I'm clearing my mind - or at least trying to.  I'm forgiving myself for being a carbon-based human who sometimes makes mistakes and has "impure" thoughts.  And I'm forgiving Diego for being a miniature demon carbon-based human who doesn't yet understand how impactful his actions in this world can be, especially to me.

It's up to me to change this situation and to teach my son to divert all that negative emotional energy into something positive in our lives and in the world.  I'm the grownup for Pete's sake!  But most times I feel like I'm only human.

Only carbon-based.

-Shirley (Mama-ruff)