Bitch Games

Diego came running out of his weekly speech therapy appointment last week with a huge grin on his face and holding a brand new, unopened Angry birds game.

His speech therapist told me she would let him "borrow" it.  She did what?!  I posted the picture above on Instagram with the tagline, "I hope she knows that she's not getting this thing back in tact!"  I could only think of the previous Angry Birds game we had and how between Diego the rough ruffian, Tater the ruffian that slobbers on everything, and furry Qori, the ruffian who associates the angry birds toys with dog's squeaky toys, this new game stood no chance.  I also fast-forwarded in my mind to the next speech therapy appointment and how Diego would react when I made him give it back.  Why would the speech therapist deliberately put me in the situation where I would need to fight fire against an inevitable tantrum? 

Bitch.

As we walked away from the speech therapist I thought I heard her say, "It's a brand new game, and since he's my favorite, I let him borrow it." Suddenly she wasn't a bitch anymore.  :)  Unless I misheard her and she actually said "Since I know Angry Birds is his favorite, I let him borrow it."  Well then - she would still qualify as a bitch.  Bitch!

During the past week I've been majorly busy at work, that it's been hard to even sit down and write a quick blog post, but at least three times this week I HAVE had time to worry about how the next speech therapy session will go when Diego has to give the game back.  How the Hell was I going to handle this?!  I stewed, I worried, I didn't really have time to think about it anymore, so I put it off and re-focused my mind on what pays my bills.

Until today came.  The day to give it back.  I picked up Diego from my parent's house (who had kept the game for safe keeping against Qori the dog).  My mother had placed the game in an obscure plastic bag.  Diego didn't even know or care what was in the bag.  Problem solved! Duh! and thanks mother!!!  That's how to tell between veteran mom and a newbie like me.  Here I was, actually planning to try to teach my son a life lesson on giving things back (shiny new plastically smelling things back).  What was I thinking???!

And then Diego came running and grinning out of his most recent speech therapy appointment holding ANOTHER new game, this time it was twice as BIG! 

Bitch!

-Shirley

White Lies

I lie to my son.

It's automatic, and I don't feel bad about it.  It's the only way for us to sanely co-exist right now.  I spent some time with my good (but oblivious) friend over the weekend at the zoo.  She mentioned that sometimes she feels like she's not a good mother to her almost 2 year old.

Throughout the course of the zoo day, I bold-face lied to my son.  When we first got there, he was already in the middle of a temper tantrum and insisted that we go home.  There were only two ways this could go:  I could force him into the zoo and initiate the BIG BANG tantrum, or we could go home and he would win.  Through our mother/son conversation I saw a silver-lining that only had a few-seconds window of opportunity.  I snatched that opportunity like the seagulls snatched the burger from an unattended child at the zoo's food court - without regrets.  I promised my son that we would see the elephants which the San Francisco Zoo doesn't have (what kind of fucking zoo doesn't have an elephant!?).  And you know what - the tantrum was squashed. period. never to be resurrected.

And I continued to lie because - well - when your son is about to get lost and trampled in a crowd of saddistic assholes that want to watch the anaconda feeding, it's OK to say that there is another snake somewhere else that we can go see - and high-tail it out of there!  And when your son has mastered climbing the fencing around an enclosure, it's OK to tell him that the seal will eat him.

I just laughed each time, and jokingly said to my friend, "And you think you're a bad mom! I lie to my son!"

At that moment, my friend stopped in her tracks, her eyes glazed as if she was deep in thought, she made a decision at that moment and then she proclaimed her newest vow,

"I will always tell the truth to my son."  

(I did mention that she's oblivious - right?)

Good luck with that, biatch.  I watched her son during the entire day, and this almost-2yr old showed all the classic signs of on-coming terrible twos.  Signs that I was completely oblivious to 1 year ago.  He fought her and whined for everything, and my friend just dealt with it with the ignorance of a new mom, saying no but lovingly enabling and catering to his mini-tantrums, which I was also guilty of a year ago.  I didn't have the heart to tell her the battles that lie ahead of her.  Remembering the anguish that my son put me through, tantrum after tantrum that damn near left me crying in the corner in the fetal position!  After being put through the ringer, a seasoned mom chooses her battles and little white lies are the perfect weapon in her arsenal.  You want to see the monkeys fight?  OK let's go see the monkeys fight.  You wanna see the non-existent elephant?  OK let's go see the non-existent elephant.

I don't feel bad about it at all.  I was lied to as a child too.  I remember during a trip to Mexico I was promised (pinky-swear, blood brothers!) that we would go to a cave on the beach after 10pm where I would meet a real live MERMAID!  I remember being so happy and filled with excitement (This was before "Pirates of the Carribbean" exposed a whole new side of mermaids, those bitches!).  How could I be so LUCKY!  And you know what happened at 9pm?  I fuckin' fell asleep!  And you know what happened the next morning?  Not a damn thing because I didn't remember shit.  And you know what happened when I finally remembered?  Jack shit because the opportunity had already passed and it was a moot point.

What I'm trying to say is.................................................... shit I forgot.

Must be time to go to sleep, maybe I'll remember in a week when it's moot.

So here's a gratuitous picture of a grizzly bear that scared the shit out Diego when it came up to the glass and licked the window - Shirley

Someone let these Ruffians back into their enclosure!