Today, I'm 35 years old. Just 5 years ago on this day, I was pregnant with my first child at 30 years old. Look at my goofy face at 30, not knowing all the sh!t that was in store for me. How that little bun baking in the oven was about tip my world upside down and then rip it apart. I had no idea how motherhood would enable me to see through the walls of Hell and send me back shivering with regret while I would revert back deep to my introverted shell where extended friends and family would barely see me for almost three years, while I tried to
And even through all the moments of utter chaos where I could barely hold on to my own sanity, where I could barely hang on before I burst into tears due to the jealousy that ensued over everyone else's calm babies -- and all I wanted to do was to Fast Forward 18 years and take a nap, somehow I broke out into full-on madness and decided to get pregnant AGAIN! 2 years later. At 32, I was pregnant again. We all do crazy things. 32 yrs --- that was my craziest year.
I'm happy to say that at 35 I am NOT crazy nor pregnant, and planning to keep it that way for the rest of my birthdays. Every day gets a little easier with the Ruffians. Hell - we can even go to restaurants now and we seem semi-civilized (although I'm still traumatized and my nerves start up whenever Hubs says, "Let's go out to eat!" ------> shudder & chills.) Things are still not perfect, and they probably never will be. I'm OK with that... anything is better than the Hell I've seen.
I'm still not at the point where I would say, "I'd do it all again, if I had to." Because although I love my ruffians so much, at this time, I still wouldn't do it all again. I'm the person who announced, "I will never drink again!" And actually didn't!
And my mind still occasionally wanders into my deeply introverted and anti-social thoughts where I'm convinced that society somehow tricked me into thinking that having children ---and buying a house--- was a good idea. I sit here today with two kids and two houses. It's a lot of stress! And apparently I handle stress very poorly.
Then again I tell myself of course it's a good idea, Shirley! You're just suffering with the not-knowing-what-you've-got-until-it's-gone syndrome. And I can only back this theory up by the pit in my stomach and feeling of overwhelming sadness I feel when Hubs says, "Let's go out to eat! and leave the boys with your parents!" Leave my babies?! Why don't we just order in, instead?
So today I'm 35, and it has been my first birthday in 5 years that I didn't really need or desire a nap. Look at my face at 35, it's been through Hell and back, but I feel like I'm looking at a refined 35 yr old who
So as I blew out my candles this year, I didn't have any particular wish in mind.
Because I already got what I wanted. I got out of Hell and that stress level is almost gone, and out of those ashes I now have two little Ruffians that although still drive me crazy, they're beginning to make me laugh more. And to me, life is about laughter......
........ and long, natural nails :) -- I finally got that this year too!
Damn, I've come a long way.
Shirley (mama-ruff)
