I lost my furry son; my best friend...... to terminal nasal cancer
two days ago. He had given me a decade of happiness which I know is
part of the foundation that makes me the person I am today. He helped
draw the smile that you see on my face, like no one else could. He was a
big part of my positive outlook on life. He influenced me more than
most humans I know. He was in my life before I bought my first house,
before I became a wife, and before I became a mom to humans. Before any
of that - I was his mom. He was there for me through all those good
times, and especially for the tough moments. This pain i feel today is
no different than losing a child.... No different.
He
completed my family, so although the house today is still filled with
shrieks, screams, laughter and the patter of little feet, the house now
feels completely empty to me. He used to have an invisible umbilical
cord attached to me that no matter where I went in the house, he'd be
right behind me after a few seconds. He was never too far. Now, I walk
from room to room trying to feel his presence
and I feel nothing. I'm alone.
But
I found him as I made my way to the yard and felt the grass beneath my
bare feet. As I looked up to the trees and the wind blew through the
leaves. As I felt the sun and wind on my face and wondered what scented
treasures the wind used to bring to his nose that he enjoyed so much. I
found him there, in nature. It was nature that brought him to me and
nature that took him back.
Now that he is
physically gone, my impulse is to retreat back into my introverted
shell. But instead I am forced to trudge along and carry the weight of
the world with one less pillar of support. The pillar that I could
always count on. The one most loyal. So now I'll need to figure out my
footing in the world again, and how the pieces will fit without him.
Right now nothing fits.
But although I'm knee-deep in anguish, all this pain that I've fallen into is
nothing
because of the decade of love that was built to help break the fall.
It is cliche to say, but there's so much truth that it was all so worth
it. I wouldn't take any of it back to not hurt anymore. I'll take the
hurt, with open arms. Because I had 10 great years. 10 years of
hearing his cute pitched breath, of him accidentally stepping on my foot
with his "hell-toes", of bear hugs, zoomies, licks on my face, fur on
my black clothes and anything I'd drop on the floor, drunken-sounding
howls-- someone to keep retrieving that damn tennis ball that I couldn't
seem to hold on to, or go on hikes with or a dip in the ocean and who
pointed out every bench along our walks, someone who had a sexy
booty-sway as he walked on leash in front of me, someone who shredded my
mail, someone who always stayed by my side, and who delivered orations
to me yet never said a word. This pain can't dissolve a decade of
happiness....
I knew forever would be impossible. I
know what I signed up for, and I stuck to it until the bitter end. He
did everything he was supposed to do in this world, and he did it so
well. He was the best damn best friend a girl could ask for. And so he
deserved to not suffer. I tried my best to reciprocate the
unconditional love that was so natural for him--- by letting him go
before the suffering could get its filthy grasp on him. And knowing
that he is safe now is the main thing that makes my tail wag at the
moment. And I would venture to say that his furry tail is wagging too,
and I possibly just felt the long golden threads from his tail brush
against my face as the wind just blew in to bring me its treasures.
And it felt good.
